Out of my Hands
by MajinCammy
Summary: This is a fanfiction written for the Secret Santa event held at the Callie Arizona community on LiveJournal.  The holiday's are bringing Arizona down.  Can Callie pick her back up?


Title: Out of My Hands  
>Pairing: ArizonaCallie  
>Rating: PG-13<br>Summary: Her first holiday season back from Africa has left Arizona feeling lost and insecure.  
>Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not intend to profit in any way, shape or form by posting this story. It's for fun, nothing more, and nothing less.<p>

A/N: Hi there! This is a fanfiction written for pens_cos927 for the Secret Santa event held at the Callie_Arizona community on LiveJournal. pens_cos927 provided the prompt: _This will be Sofia's first Christmas, but it also marks a year since Callie slammed the door in Arizona's face. I want a fic where Arizona's having a hard time getting in the holiday spirit...like trying but failing miserably. Angsty, funny, but ultimately fluffy if possible. NC-17 is ok but I like plots_. I hope I have done the request justice. Enjoy! Thank you to Drea and JJ for their support and beta'ing help, as always. 3

Callie and Arizona were tucked away in their bed, cocooned together under a large duvet, and dreaming of Sofia's first Thanksgiving, which would take place tonight. They both talked their parents into not joining them for the holiday's this year, claiming they wanted the time to bond as a family unit and not drive everyone crazy with a large get together. Arizona's parents caved more easily, but Carlos seemed massively disappointed at missing Sofia's firsts. Eventually he caved, but they also promised a Skype conversation at some point in the evening. It was a fine negotiation and Callie was happy to have won, because Arizona seemed a little subdued as time marched into the holiday season and it troubled her, so she really didn't want to have to deal with a lot of extra adults. She wanted to spend the time with her wife and daughter and, unfortunately tonight, with Mark as well.

Callie smiled as she slept because visions of Arizona and Sofia gasping at the huge turkey she was making for dinner tonight danced in her head. She was so overjoyed that they both were off and not on-call for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. It was like the world knew they needed some peace, some quiet, and lots of family bonding time. In her half-asleep state, she turned onto her side and reached out for Arizona's warmth and pulled her wife into her. She couldn't remember a time in her life when she was happier or so fulfilled. She and Arizona were happy in their relationship, Mark had finally stopped hovering and dating, which lead to date nights for both him and she and Arizona. Of course, date nights lead to lots and lots of sex, which just had Callie on cloud nine. Oh, what Arizona could do to her…

While Callie was enjoying her rest and feeling so happy, Arizona was not. Unfortunately, Arizona's mind loved to torture her while she slept, whether it is about tiny coffins or the brother she lost so long ago. However, tonight she was in the middle of a new torture that just started recently. The holidays coming reminded Arizona of where she was last year and her mind loved to play out that scene again and again. Arizona sitting in the small office in the small clinic in Malawi by herself, on her desk sits a small turkey sandwich, some stuffing on its side, a dollop of cranberry sauce and some weird potato concoction that she wasn't even sure what it was. It was the best they could do for an American Thanksgiving. Arizona sat in front of that plate and cried for six hours.

She had been at the clinic for a couple of months and making a lot of headway with the case load. She hadn't lost a child yet, but she was miserable being so far from Callie. She had been crying early that morning while in bed, instead of sleeping, when she was rudely interrupted by the intern who won the short straw and had the overnight shift. He explained that Kasiya, a small boy Arizona had been treating, had started to seize. The young boy was in a terrible car accident with a gaping wound in his abdomen. Correcting all of his issues started with a ten hour surgery and three more to follow. He'd been in the clinic for two weeks already and only had two surgeries to go, but hearing that he was seizing made Arizona sick to her stomach. She quickly jumped into action; only she felt light headed, dehydrated, and emotionally broken. It was five in the morning and she wasn't scheduled to be at the clinic for another four hours.

The small black boy on her table was very ill. Apparently the seizure caused one the incision sites to be ripped open. There was a lot of blood and fluids spilling everywhere. Arizona worked as fast as she could to try and control the damage, but the medication they pushed was slow to stop the seizure and it made her job very difficult. What made matters worse, was that she could hear the crying parent as though they were in the same room. Cries of '_Chonde_' and '_Pepani_' assaulted her ears. A mother crying '_Please_' and '_I'm sorry_' in her native tongue, crying two of the few words Arizona had picked up during her time at the clinic. She fought to save the boy for over two hours, but he had been gone long before.

She was lost from the world for the rest of the day. Many of the volunteers knew it was Thanksgiving in the US and made her the pathetic meal, hoping it would remind her of home. And it did. And that's when the tears started and failed to stop. She stared at the plate of food and wondered what Callie would be doing for the holiday. Would she be sitting at a table crying, much like she was now? Would she be wondering about how she was doing and wanting to be together? Maybe she was together with a new person and thankful that her past relationship was over. Arizona's heart was broken and every thought of how Callie was spending her holiday just ripped it apart more.

The memory of what happened seemed to stop and all the sleeping Arizona could see was herself sitting at that desk in front of her sad Thanksgiving dinner. Something in the dream morphed and her sleeping self knew this meant the terror was coming and all she wanted to do was wake up, but she was unable to do so. The cell phone on the desk chirped to life. This didn't really happen, she told herself as dream Arizona reached out to the phone. The phone was held up to her face and the button to show the text message was pressed. It came to life with a picture of Callie and Mark kissing and the words beneath the image said, '_Thankful you're not here for Thanksgiving_.'

Arizona gasped and her body shot straight up. She felt sweat on her forehead and her heart was trying to beat its way out of her chest. Her hands gripped the blanket and sheet lying over her lower body as she sucked in each breath, her lungs painfully screaming for more air. She sobbed and her head lowered over her legs and she watched as tears stained the blanket below her. She wanted to stop crying. It was just a stupid dream, but each time she tried to stop, she saw that text message again and the tears came back in full force.

"Arizona..?" She felt warm hands move around her midsection and then felt soft lips against her arm. "What's wrong?" the voice was full of sleep, but also worry. Arizona felt relief spread through her entire being as Callie wrapped her up in a loving embrace. She turned and quickly found Callie's lips with her own, kissing her as though she may not ever have the chance to kiss her again. She heard a soft moan from the back of Callie's throat as she pushed against her, causing her to lie back so that she could straddle her hips. Once there, she ran one hand through Callie's hair while the other caressed her cheek. Their lips never parted except to breathe. Callie tried to talk, but Arizona just plunged her tongue deep between her lips.

And then a pager rang out breaking the silence. Arizona lifted her head slightly, looking into Callie's eyes. It was a still moment, the two looking at each other. Callie thought Arizona looked like a lost and scared little girl. It instantly made her wonder what had woken her so harshly from sleep. She wanted to ask again, but knew Arizona would say nothing was wrong; everything was fine; the same song and dance for the past two weeks.

"Neither of us are supposed to be on-call." Arizona muttered as she maneuvered her way off Callie and walked to the dresser and look at her pager. "It's mine… A school bus crashed, they have twenty kids there…" She looked at Callie who just nodded slightly.

"Go save some tiny humans and try to be back for our tiny humans first Thanksgiving," Callie said softly, but Arizona heard her.

Arizona nodded and apologized softly as she got dressed. She would have to take a shower later, because she didn't want to leave Karev with to many tiny humans to handle. She grabbed her things and then made her way over to Callie and kissed her, savoring the taste of her wife, reminding her that the dream was nothing more than her mind playing vicious tricks on her. "I love you," she whispered with her lips still touching Callie's.

"I love you too. Go be awesome." Callie smiled and swatted Arizona's butt, which made them both giggle.

She turned and headed out of the apartment and to the hospital. Once there, the ER was in chaos. When Alex Karev finally saw Arizona enter the ER and scoffed at her. "You live across the street, what the hell took you so long?" Arizona's cheeks suddenly flushed and Karev shook his head, "On second thought, I don't want to know…" He handed her a chart and started leading her to a trauma room, "Look, I know you weren't on call, but we needed extra hands. A school bus was taking some orphans to some fancy restaurant for a real Thanksgiving dinner when a drunk driver plowed into them. I've got twenty screaming kids here with no parents and just two chaperones trying to calm them all." They walked past several curtained off areas with none emergent surgical cases and came to a door.

"This little guy got the worst of it. The kids weren't strapped in or anything and they think he was in the aisle when then the windshield broke. Seriously, there's glass everywhere, he's got this gaping abdomen wound that you need to get to OR2 right now. Kepner has already called ahead to set things up, she'll be assisting you." She was looking through the chart as Karev spoke. He opened the door and she walked in and looked up at the small black boy in the bed. She was suddenly assaulted with the smells and sights of her clinic in Malawi. This boy, Kasey Williams, looked exactly like Kasiya, the boy that died in her clinic, by her hands, on Thanksgiving of last year. She stalled and Karev gave her a weird look. "Dr. Robbins?"

She swallowed the large lump that grew in her throat and then nodded, "Oh, yes. I got it from here, Karev." She said softly.

"I can handle the rest, since they aren't nearly as bad, so you should have time to get back home for Thanksgiving with Sofia."

"Then go take care of the others." He nodded and headed back into the busy ER. She walked over to the boy, who tried to smile at her. "Hello there, Kasey, I'm Dr. Robbins. Don't you worry; you're in good hands, okay?" The small boy was terrified and in a lot of pain, but he still nodded toward her.

Meanwhile, Callie had set the turkey up to cook and then cleaned herself and Sofia up for the day. She had chosen this really pretty blue dress for Sofia, one Arizona had bought for the little girl a few weeks ago. She hoped seeing Sofia in the dress would cheer Arizona up, since her wife seemed to have a dark cloud hovering over her head for the past couple of weeks and it didn't seem to be relenting. In fact, she was truly worried. Her wife loved the holidays and would usually be bustling around and pulling Callie to decorate and get a tree, but none of those things have happened yet. If she was completely honest with herself, she was looking forward to doing those things with her perky wife this year. This year, above all others, because after everything they've been through, now they were married and so, so happy. At least, she knows she is extremely happy. Far happier than she ever thought would be possible for her before.

And she believes Arizona is happy too, but what if she's not?

Callie shook that thought from her head as she heard the door open and saw Mark come in with a pan in his hands. "You and Blondie are going to love this dish I made, potato gratin with porcini mushrooms and mascarpone cheese. I finished it at my place since I knew the turkey was taking up the oven here." He placed it on the stove top and then clapped his hands together.

Callie glanced at the clock and realized she had been sitting on the floor and playing with Sofia for a few hours. She quickly jumped up to check on the turkey.

"Smells great. I just gotta run back to my place and finish the stuffing and add the bread crumbs to the mac and cheese." He giggled and looked over his masterpiece sitting on the stove.

Callie rolled her eyes. Mark actually giggled and was cooking… "When did you turn into such a chick, Mark?"

"What?" Mark asked as he held a hand over his chest, signifying the wounding of his ego and pride.

_Oh shit… _Callie thought to herself. "I didn't mean to say that out loud," she groaned.

"Oh yeah, but you did. You know, I gave up a date with Julia so I could spend Thanksgiving with you guys and help out with the cooking, you could at least be a little thankful, you know, given the reason we're eating together tonight!" Mark said in frustration.

"Whoa, hey! No one asked you too. And enough with the fake sacrifice, you're here for _our daughter_. You're not here for me and you're not here for Arizona. We'd be just fine having this dinner without you, but _you asked_ to be here and _we_ said okay, because _we_ decided it would be best for _our daughter_. And jeeze, lighten up, I making a joke since you're cooking like Martha Stewart and giggling like a school girl over how well you've done." Callie smacked his arm.

He looked affronted for a moment and then frowned. "Julia told me she was seeing her parents for Thanksgiving and didn't think this was the right time to introduce us…"

"Aw, I'm sorry, Mark." Callie said as she checked the turkey. Callie had made the preparations for the turkey yesterday by seasoning it. She added some aromatic vegetables to the cavity this morning and then melted butter with herbs in a pan and soaked a piece of cheesecloth in the butter, like she saw on some morning show she was watching last week. She placed it over the turkey and then let it cook. Looking at it, she figured another ten minutes and then twenty to rest. She'd deal with the gravy at that point.

"That smells really good." Mark said with a chuckle as he shuffled to the door. "When is Blondie supposed to be back?"

"Soon, I hope. I got a text from her this morning that she'd be in surgery for at least five hours and that was eight hours ago." She shrugged slightly. "It gave me time to set the table and deal with the food and getting Sofia dressed up."

Mark looked over her shoulder and then squealed loudly.

"That's a girl sound, Mark."

"Sue me; she's precious in this dress!" He spun around her and headed to Sofia. She smiled up at him and waved her chubby hands at him. He picked her up and kissed her cheek. "You are just so adorable."

Callie smiled and watched the two of them and didn't realize the door had opened. Arizona stepped inside and blinked as she saw Callie staring into the apartment with a far off smile on her face. As she let the door go to close on its own accord, she glanced into the room and saw Mark holding Sofia. That's what Callie was staring at with that look, Mark and the daughter they made together. She swallowed the lump in her throat and felt the sting of tears in her eyes. Callie had yet to get Mark over to their lawyer and have any type of paperwork written up regarding custody of Sofia.

At this moment, she felt like an outsider looking in on a happy couple.

She quickly hung up her jacket and dropped her purse, then forced herself to walk calmly to their bedroom, instead of running in there and slamming the door shut like she'd wanted. Callie finally noticed Arizona was home as she made it to the threshold of their bedroom. "Hey! You're home, how did the surgery go?" She wiped her hands on a dish towel as she watched Arizona disappear into the bedroom and shut the door.

"Huh." Mark said as he watched the display.

Callie frowned and crossed her arms over her chest, "I guess the surgery didn't go well." Her eyes lingered on the bedroom door as she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and pondered what to do.

"I'll take Sofia to my place and finish up the side dishes, why don't you go and see if she's alright?" Mark said, already making his way toward the door.

"Yeah, thanks." She nodded as he left and then made her way to the bedroom door. She knocked lightly, "Arizona, honey…" No response, so she opened the door just as she heard the water turning on the bathroom. She walked to the bathroom and frowned seeing that door shut as well. When Arizona was having a hard time, she shut herself away from everything, figuratively and literally. She walked to the bathroom and opened the door and heard the quiet sniffles and sobs Arizona was desperately trying to stop. "Are you okay, Arizona?"

"Y-yeah, I'm fine, just taking a shower, since I wanted to get home as fast as possible." She said from inside the shower stall.

"How did the surgery go?" Callie asked.

"Oh, that was fine. I repaired most of the damage, but I'll have to do another surgery in a week or so. We'll see how well he reacts to the first one. Just, uh, give me a few minutes and I'll come out and help you finish up dinner." Arizona's tone meant the conversation was over.

Callie was perplexed. The surgery was successful, no tiny human died, yet her wife was crying in the shower on Thanksgiving. Callie felt an uncomfortable ball of nerves roll around in her belly. "Oh, okay. If something was wrong though, you'd talk to me, right?"

The hesitation Arizona took before responding just proved to Callie that something _was_ wrong. "Y-yeah, of course," was all Arizona said.

"I love you, Arizona. We're married, so please, don't hold back from me. Whatever it is, we can deal with it together," Callie's voice broke half way through the sentence, but she couldn't help wanting to plead her case to Arizona. Especially when she knew she was right.

"I love you too, Calliope," Arizona answered.

Callie waited a good two minutes for Arizona to say anything else, but when she was sure that wasn't going to happen she sighed and left the bathroom, closing the door behind herself. Old habits die hard, she said to herself and she would just have to put it upon herself to make this Christmas really special for Arizona and their daughter. Maybe then Arizona will be a little more open with her and come out of this shell she's closed herself into for whatever reason. Callie wished Arizona would just tell her, so they could talk it out and work through whatever was going on, but Arizona was stubborn, even more than she herself was and wrestling anything out of her would just take time and patience. Callie had all the time in the world to give to her wife, so she took a moment and prayed to God to give her more patience.

It took Arizona thirty minutes to reappear in the living room. She wandered to the other side of the island and sat on a stool. "Do you need any help?"

"Nope. I finished everything and Martha Stewart should be over in five minutes with the other side dishes." Callie didn't bother turning from the stove. She was busy finishing the gravy and she really didn't want to look at Arizona right now. She was beyond hurt by the conversation they had earlier and watching Arizona try and avoid the entire conversation, as well as whatever was causing her pain, had put Callie on edge, but she couldn't let it ruin the holiday. She needed to be patient for Arizona, no matter how hard that would be for her.

"Everything smells really amazing, Calliope. It looks like you pulled out all the stops for Sof's first big holiday." Arizona spun slightly on her stool and looked around, "Where is she anyway?"

"Mark has her. He'll be bringing her too." Callie said matter-of-factly. She would let Arizona have a cold shoulder until dinner time, then she'll let it melt away and have a warm dinner with her wife, her child's father and her daughter.

"He really couldn't go somewhere else?" Arizona sighed softly.

"No, don't. Please, let's not go there. Julia told him she didn't want to introduce him to her parents, which is why he begged me to let him come to our dinner. We talked about this and decided it would be good for Sofia to be with all of her parents on her first Thanksgiving, so let's just have a good time, okay? Besides, you've been getting along so well with him and he cooked some weird crap that I'm sure you'll enjoy and cheer over." Callie said with her back still turned from Arizona.

"Okay, I'm sorry I said anything." Arizona sighed and walked out of the front door, letting it fall shut behind her with a hard thud. It wasn't a slam, but Callie knew Arizona was upset. A few seconds later she returned with Sofia on her hip. "You're so beautiful, big girl. I love this little dress you have on." Callie watched as Arizona walked in with Sofia and could barely contain the love she felt for both. She choked back a soft sob and immediately turned back to the food she was working on.

Two minutes later Mark walked in with the rest of the food. "Alright, the rest of the food is here, let the Thanksgiving feasting begin!" He laughed and dropped the dishes on the table and Callie followed suit with everything except the turkey. Mark sat down at the table while Arizona brought Sofia over and strapped her into her high chair.

"I hope you're hungry, big girl, look at all the food your Mami and Daddy made." Arizona tried to keep the jealousy she felt out of her voice. She wasn't even asked or expected to do anything to help with the meal. She hated feeling less than and somehow, Callie and Mark had managed to make her feel just that right now. Sure, the fact her dreams were tormenting her of reminders from last year and the biggest mistake she could remember ever making was not helping the situation at all. She swallowed her feelings and sat down next to Sofia.

Callie made her way to the table with the turkey and placed it in the center of the table. She smiled at her family and decided she would make everyone's plate, starting with Mark. She filled the plate and all eyes were on her and when she handed it to Mark, Arizona swallowed a large lump in her throat. It was silly, really. Callie handed her a plate full of food next and she muttered a thank you. She fixed her own plate and placed Sofia's baby food by her side so she could handle feeding her as well. "Isn't this lovely? Sofia's entire family eating together, doesn't that make you happy, baby?" She was smiling at Sofia while feeding her a spoonful of the organic baby food Arizona had made earlier that week.

"Look how excited she is!" Mark laughed while stuffing his face.

Arizona forced a smile on her lips and nodded slightly at them, then poked at the food some more. Everything was really good, but she just wasn't feeling hungry. Her guilt was settling in her stomach and it made her feel as though anything she ate would just be brought right back up. Callie had noticed and it worried her, but she just ate and fed Sofia. Mark was oblivious about anything going on in the room other than watching his daughter eat and his conversation about Julia, which was basically him conversing with himself.

Callie cleared her throat, which caused Mark to stop talking. She reached over and grabbed Arizona's free hand and smiled at her. "I just wanted to take a moment to say that I am very thankful this year to be here with you all. And so very thankful," she choked back a soft laugh and tilted her head slightly and gave Arizona a look of pure adoration, "…to have Sofia here with us. Both of us alive and well."

_No thanks to me…_ was the only thought that went through Arizona's head.

She couldn't meet Callie's gaze, her eyes landed on their joint hands and she took a deep breath to pull back the tears she felt stinging in the corners of her eyes. Of course, Mark being oblivious to the tension let out a loud belly laugh and covered his mouth as he burped into his cheeks. "We're all glad you're both here too, right, Blondie?" Without bothering to wait for Arizona to even respond, Mark went on, "And I'm thankful to be here with you all too. Man, I should've gotten into polygamy a long time ago." He laughed and a sudden loud clink was heard as Arizona dropped her fork against her plate.

"Thank you for dinner, I'm uh… I'm not feeling well, I'm going to… uh, go to bed." She was staring into space, not even acknowledging either of them as she stood up and just walked away from her place at the table and into the bedroom, closing the door with a thud behind her.

"Really Mark?" Callie was giving him a glare that caused a shiver to run down his spine. "_Really_ Mark?"

He shrugged slightly, "I was just joking!"

Callie sighed and frowned as she slumped in her chair, "She's having a hard time with something…" She moved her hand to her forehead and tried to rub out the impending headache that was moving behind her eyes. "She won't tell me what. She's trying to be tough and hold everything in, like always, but I'm not letting her run away…"

"You just sorta did." Mark said matter-of-factly.

"Well, that's because you had to go and piss her off." She grabbed a napkin and threw it at him, which caused Sofia to giggle and clap. "Oh, you think Daddy pissing Mommy off funny?" Callie asked Sofia and she just pushed a bubble of uneaten food out of her mouth, which Callie quickly cleaned up. "Yeah, I think it's time for Daddy to leave too." She looked pointedly at Mark.

He shrugged slightly as he stood up, "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean anything by it."

"We all know that, even she does, but she's preoccupied right now. I'm going to hound her, don't worry, I'll get to the bottom of everything." She gave him a lop-sided grin, "But first, I'm going to clean all this up and put the left overs away. Do you want anything?"

He shook his head no, "Just take care of your woman and our girl." He winked and left the room.

Callie got up and started to clean everything. She would give Arizona time, but there's only so much time she can offer. Eventually, she was going to have to force Arizona to talk and she needed to build herself up for that, because it was not likely to be pleasant. She had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that just wouldn't let up regarding Arizona's shift in mood and the timing of it. She just hoped Arizona would come to her before things got worse.

A week later and nothing had changed. Arizona was in her own world. She's barely eating or sleeping and Callie has barely seen her for more than a few hours at a time and that's only when in bed. And Arizona was a master at avoidance, she always ensured she was asleep before Callie got into bed, or that Callie was asleep first. And she left before Callie would wake. She was also taking care of Sofia during the night, which Callie appreciated, but it was just another way for Arizona to avoid her. Arizona also informed Callie last night that she was working the week of Christmas, except for Christmas Eve and Day, which frustrated Callie, because she made sure to have that entire week off. She wanted to spend that week doting on Arizona and Sofia and now even that was being avoided.

Arizona had left early this morning to perform a second surgery on Kasey Williams. They had spoken about the case quite often. Callie didn't really understand why that case was so important to Arizona, but it was. She was handling the case closely, more so than most of her others. She refused to delegate the case to Karev or any of the other residents and that was strange for Arizona. There must have been something personal about that case, but Callie couldn't figure it out. Just more secrets and avoidance which was bringing Callie really close to her wits end. She was going to have confront Arizona and soon. She was watching her wife wither away before her very eyes and she had no idea why. They hadn't spoken about what happened during Thanksgiving and Mark had made the smartest decision of his life and made himself scarce.

Callie meandered into the hospital and headed right to the OR floor to check the board. Arizona would be finishing the surgery on Kasey Williams in about thirty minutes. She headed to the gallery and looked down on her wife, who was operating with Kepner. She frowned slightly when she gazed over Arizona's thin form. Her wife's perfect curves were starting to thin out. She was lost in thought when sirens and beeping went crazy in the OR below.

"He's seizing!" April Kepner said, as though anyone looking at the patient couldn't figure that out. She heard Arizona's voice bark out orders, at first calmly and sure, but it lead to a frantic tinge that she rarely heard from her wife.

"_Iyayi_! _Iyayi_… _Chonde_!" Arizona was working desperately to save the child, but his seizing was causing more issues faster than she could fix them. A flatline was heard throughout the room and Callie watched for over fifteen minutes as Arizona fought against that sound and to fix the heart that stopped beating in the child on the operating table. "No!" She punched her fist against the child's heart, but it still didn't beat.

"He's gone, Dr. Robbins…" Kepner said in her usual mousey voice.

"No! I'll tell you when he's gone… Now help me." Arizona's moves were frantic, but the child was really gone.

"Dr. Robbins..?" Kepner asked as she watched Arizona like a lost puppy, unsure what to do or whether she should move at all.

Arizona looked up at her with wide eyes. She had tears streaming down her face and her chest was heaving with each breath she took. She suddenly dropped the instruments she was holding and they fell into the body cavity of the young boy. Her hands were shaking as she stared at Kepner while crying. "_Pepani_…" She practically moaned the word through her sobs, "_Pepani, pepani_…" She crouched down and lowered her head between her knees and tried her best to suck as much hair into her lungs as she could between sobs.

Callie was off like a shotgun and in the OR within seconds. "Kepner! Call time of death and close the boy up. The rest of you, go about your work." The tone Callie used left no room for anyone to interrupt or disobey, so they did exactly as they were told. Callie crouched behind Arizona and very timidly moved her hands over Arizona's shoulders. "Arizona," she whispered, trying to keep some space between them.

Arizona leaned back against Callie and cried. "Oh, Arizona…" Callie swallowed the pain she felt in her throat as she wrapped her arms around her wife. She pulled Arizona to her feet and turned her around. She tilted her head slightly and looked into her red, puffy eyes. She pulled off Arizona's mask and she instantly took a deep breath before sobbing again. She pulled off Arizona's bloody gown and gloves and tossed them to a nearby garbage can. She looked around the room. "No one spreads gossip about this or you'll be answering to me," and she gave them a glare like no other glare she had ever glared before.

April thought the look was going to kill her.

"C'mon, let's go home." Arizona just let Callie turn her and glide her out of the OR and toward the apartment. Along the way, she called the Chief and explained the situation and he told them to take the rest of the day and that he would talk to Kepner about the case and then talk to the parents.

By the time they got to the apartment, Arizona seemed to come out of her state of shock. They both walked to the couch and sat down, Callie staring at Arizona and Arizona staring out into space. "Kasiya was a boy I treated in Africa. He was in an accident and died. My first loss in Africa and he died on Thanksgiving Day," her voice was flat and lacking emotion. "He seized and died, just like Kasey Williams…" Arizona tilted her head, her face was overcome with pain, "I was tired and dehydrated, because I was lost in thoughts of you. What were you doing? Were you thinking about me, as much as I was missing you? Were you… moving on?" She choked on her words, but she was still staring into space.

Suddenly she stood up and looked directly at Callie, "How can you just be okay with how everything is? A year ago, we were apart! I left you in an airport! And when I came back, there was a door slammed in my face and a baby on the way… And then I almost killed you both, yet you're thankful for being alive and being with me?" She ran her hands through her hair before wiping some tears from her cheeks. "And then I walk in here and see you watching Mark with those eyes… With that look that should be only reserved for me! I suddenly felt like I was in Africa again, so far away from you, from what I love most in the world." The tears were still streaming down her cheeks. "I keep telling myself, you guys will do the paperwork, but there's never any time for it. She's still not legally mine and she never will be! That's a burden I live with every day and sometimes I feel he still throws it in my face, regardless of how well we're getting along…"

She stopped and took several deep breaths. Her head was pounding and she felt a wave of nausea sweep through her body. She stood up and looked into Callie's eyes, which were widened from the shock and severity of the entire situation in front of her, and felt her heart break. "I almost _killed _you… And the moment the calendar showed November, I saw the holiday's coming, I was just overwhelmed with a deep sadness and sense of loss that I had never felt before because all the holiday's remind me of now is all the mistakes I made and the pain I put you through…"

Callie stood up and walked in front of Arizona. The two stared at each other, but nothing was said. Callie tilted her head slightly and let out a puff of air. It reminded Arizona of the look Callie gave her right before she slammed the door in her face upon her return from Africa. It scared her. Callie raised her hand and gently caressed Arizona's wet cheek. She trailed her fingers along Arizona's jaw line and then pulled her chin gently toward her face. She gave Arizona the sweetest, most tender kiss she could and then back to look at her more. She took Arizona's hands into her own and squeezed them.

"You weren't the only one that made mistakes, Arizona. We were both in a relationship and too scared to confront what was happening, so we both let things spiral out of control. We both made mistakes, but the important thing is that we learned from them. I know I have." She watched Arizona closely, looking into those blue eyes she loves so much. "Please, you need to let go of this guilt. The accident was an accident. I was an idiot for ignoring you and trying to talk to Mark when we were trying to have time to reconnect. I took off my seatbelt. A hundred and one things could've gone differently, but regardless, it was an accident." She watched as Arizona swallowed hard, as though she was swallowing the words she was saying.

"Mark is a part of our lives, and I'll apologize every day for the rest of our lives if I have to for making him such an engrained part, but he's here and I don't think he's trying to throw things in your face. And I'm sorry about the paper, it was supposed be a surprise for Christmas, but I have it. You. ARE. Her. Mommy. Nothing can ever change that." She finally saw a small smile on Arizona's lips and it warmed her heart and she felt it spreading around her chest.

"I wish you would have just opened up to me sooner, Arizona, you can't keep avoiding me. I know you like to be a good man in a storm and always looking tough, but I love you and I'm here to carry any burden of yours _with_ you, just like you help me carry mine." She nodded slightly and waited until Arizona nodded once as well.

"And this year, we will just have to work on making the holidays feel good again, okay? Because believe me when I say that _you_ do make me happy. You make me feel loved like I never have before in my life. And as though I'm the only woman you see in a world full of beauty. And the way you are with our daughter makes me so happy and excited, because you know I want a little girl with blonde pig tails or a little boy with eyes as bright blue as his Mommy's and I might not ask for ten, but you know you will be living up to that promise you made me." She grinned when Arizona laughed slightly, though she was still crying.

Callie pulled Arizona against her chest and wrapped her arms warmly around her body. Her lips curved into a smile against Arizona's neck as she felt Arizona's arms wrap around her body tightly. "I love you. You _are_ my good man in a storm, you always will be. And I will always be your shelter from the storm, but you have to open yourself up to me and let me, okay?" She felt Arizona nod against her. "Okay, since you got us out of work for the day," she grinned as Arizona laughed, "why don't you go take a shower and then get dressed up, something Christmassy. I'll go grab our adorable little girl from day care and we'll go get some fancy pictures taken of our family."

"Just the three of us?" Arizona asked.

"Arizona, the three of us are a family unit. Mark might be Sofia's father, but he's not in our family unit and he won't ever be. Despite feeling like he hovers sometimes." She watched a smile cross Arizona's lips and it reached her eyes for the first time in weeks.

"You really have the paperwork?" her voice was timid.

"Yes, Mark and I got it done a couple of weeks ago, but I really wanted to wait until Christmas. I didn't realize the thought of not having it done was still haunting you. I promised you and I really try not to break my promises to you." Callie leaned back so that she could look into Arizona's eyes.

"Thank you." Arizona said softly.

"Oh honey, you don't need to thank me. I love you and nothing else matters. I remember a wise woman shouting that at me last year." They both laughed at the memory.

"Okay, I'll go get cleaned up and then we can do the holiday pictures thing, yay!" She clapped and Callie felt her heart soar. Her wife was finally back.

"And eat a doughnut or two before we leave." Callie shifted slightly and then bumped her hip into Arizona's.

Arizona chuckled at her wife's antics, but nodded slightly, "I'm sorry, Calliope, for worrying you so much. I'll try harder, really I will, to be more open with you. You are my shelter from the storm." She pulled Callie back into her arms and brought their lips together, mouths parting so their tongues could caress one another. She ended it before things could get too heated and then wandered off into the bedroom, leaving Callie in a daze.

Two weeks later and Christmas was in full swing. Arizona's attitude and demeanor changed drastically after she finally opened up to Callie about what was going on with her. She finally gave part of her guilt and the burden she felt to her wife, who accepted it and did everything in her power to make Arizona feel loved and truly wanted. Everyone saw the change in the perky surgeon and all were happy to have her back to normal. Mark was especially happy because he and Arizona were poking fun at one another again. It was as though each of them finally felt they had a place on solid ground in each other's lives as well as Sofia's. Mark had decided to take a vacation and see some old friends in New York, which left Sofia's first Christmas to be shared solely with her mommies. Callie couldn't have asked for a better present from the man. Callie had decorated the apartment with something new and each evening, Arizona would come home and they would all three cuddle together in front of the fireplace and share in the warmth that their home created.

Arizona shut the door behind herself as she came in from an emergency she had to deal with. She was happy to have enough time to get home and actually enjoy Christmas Eve with her wife and daughter. She was greeted with the scent of cinnamon and apples. "Wow, smells good in here."

"I was just making you some hot apple cider. I figured it would be a treat after coming in from the cold." Callie said as she stepped away from the kitchen and walked to Arizona to give her a soft kiss. "I'm glad you're home, babe." She then turned and went back to fixing up two mugs of apple cider.

"You're the best." Arizona said as she pulled her jacket off and hung up on the coat rack. She pulled off her shoes and dropped her purse. She immediately walked into the living room and saw Sofia sitting in her playpen. "There's my big girl!" She picked her up and then sat on the couch with her. Sofia curled up in Arizona's arms.

Callie watched from the kitchen. She adored the way Arizona and Sofia were beyond close. She couldn't help but feel her heart fill with an ache of love for both of her precious girls. She was so lost in the feeling that she was taken back when she realized Arizona was staring at her as well with pretty much the same look. Arizona smiled shyly, though she was over the moon happy to catch Callie watching her in that way. It wasn't the same look Callie gave Mark when he held Sofia, no, this was look was filled with much more emotion and love. Arizona felt foolish for feeling jealous before.

"I love you," Arizona said softly and watched as Callie wiped a tear from her face and turned and grabbed their mugs before walking into the living room. "And I love you too, big girl." She kissed the top of Sofia's head.

"We love you too," Callie said as she placed the mugs on the coffee table. "I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I wanted you to see it now. Pull of your wedding ring, I had it engraved," she said softly, her cheeks flushing in anticipation of Arizona's reaction.

Arizona raised a brow, but did as she was told, while keeping Sofia against her chest. Inside her wedding ring in a beautiful cursive were the words: _My good man in a storm_. Arizona looked up at Callie, her eyes blinking and causing tears to fall down her face. Callie reached up and wiped the tears away while smiling at Arizona. "I had mine engraved too." She pulled it off and held it up to Arizona and she saw the words: _My shelter from the storm_. "I don't want us to ever forget how we saved one another, but I also want to remind us that we need each other."

"I do need you, Calliope. And thank you, the sentiment is beautiful and perfect for our rings." She laughed softly and squeezed the bundle in her arms causing Sofia to giggle. "How did you do it? I'm rarely without my ring…"

Callie laughed and took a sip of the hot apple cider, "A magician never reveals her secrets." She winked and then wrapped her arm around Arizona's shoulders. She smiled as Arizona leaned against her and watched as she pressed a soft kiss atop Sofia's head. They've had many trials as a family, but they managed to survive them all and come out on the other side a stronger unit than Callie ever imagined they could. It's how Callie knew that they would last forever.


End file.
